Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Gary Roberts is my Homeboy

One of the best websites around town is Chuck Norris Facts. As I glanced through these facts about the greatest action star to have ever walked this planet, I noticed the similarities between Norris and Gary Roberts, the kick ass left winger of the Pittsburgh Penguins who is so intense that he doesn't even smile. Ever. Just look at his official pic.

I thought I'd list a bunch of Gary Roberts facts for anyone who gives a damn. (plagiarism from Chuck Norris Facts? maybe...or maybe just cleverly borrowed...)

How does this sound...

- The chief export of Gary Roberts is pain.

- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Gary Roberts allows to live.

- Gary Roberts is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

- Gary Roberts invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

- When Gary Roberts is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

- If Gary Roberts were a calendar, every month would be named Garytober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

- What's known as UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use it's full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Gary-Roberts-Division."

Note: the above Gary Roberts facts are, indeed, true. Should you disagree, be prepared for a good ol' fashioned ass-kicking from Mr. Garytober himself. Booyah.


Stoosh said...

When Gary Roberts falls in water, he doesn't get wet. Water gets Gary Roberts.

Gary Roberts did not go the prom. He put the prom on his back and took it to the girl.

Gary Roberts CAN believe it's not butter.

The grass is always greener on the other side. That is, unless Gary Roberts has been on the other side. In that case, the grass is most likely the color of blood and tears.

Wilt Chamberlain once claimed to have slept with over 20,000 women during his career. Gary Roberts calls this "Wednesday".

Gary Roberts ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. And he got one.

Gary Roberts can slam a revolving door.

I could do this all day...

Ashley said...

I'm sure you could, Stoosh

Anonymous said...

Gary Roberts is the new Chuck Norris.

Gary Roberts does not heal, he regenerates.

Gary Roberts does not think he is tough. Tough thinks it is Gary Roberts.

Gary Roberts does not shoot the puck. The puck seeks to escape Gary as fast as possible to the relative safety of the net.

Gary Roberts does not get into fights. Players headbutt Garys fists in hopes that some of his greatness will rub off on them.

Gary Roberts does not have a gym membership. The gym has a Gary Roberts membership.

As a rule, Gary Roberts always eats six small meals a day never more,never less. Once he broke this rule and had Ben Eager as a light snack. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fuznwQ58bU

Dana Heinze forgot to pack a torch on a road trip. Gary's stare was used to heat up the glue on all the replacement stick blades.

Georges Laraque named his fists Gary and Roberts.

Every day, Gary Roberts meditates for one hour. This is the only time the rest of the NHL can relax.

When Gary Roberts broke his leg, they amputated it and he grew a new one in three hours. The 6-8 weeks he is taking off is to let his temper cool down at having to waste 3 hours off the ice doing something other than preparing to get back on the ice.

Timmah! said...

Somewhere, in some dark, musty attic, there is a painting of Gary Roberts that gets older and weaker.

Anonymous said...

Fiji water consists of 100% pure tears of Ottawa Senators fans. Now you know why it's the only thing Gary Roberts drinks.

In any given arena, there are 543,709 things Gary Roberts can use to kill you. But he usually just uses his fists.

The X-men character Cyclops was based on the time Stan Lee saw Gary Roberts kill a man just by glaring at him.

Life on Earth was created one day when Gary Roberts combined the first amino acids to make a protein shake. He spilled a little bit, and well, you know the rest of the story.

Most players say they started playing hockey for the love of the game. Young Gary Roberts just thought it was cool to have blades on his feet.

One time Gary Roberts taught Chuck Norris how to play hockey. There were no survivors.

Gary Roberts doesn't have nightmares, nightmares have Gary Roberts.

Gary Roberts' tears cure cancer. Not because they have any medicinal value, but just as a byproduct of melting whoever is unfortunate enough to touch them. Good thing Gary Roberts never cries.

Bob said...

Gary Roberts can divide by zero.

yinz4life said...

Gary Roberts invented the hamburger by throwing a cow at a chain link fence.

Gary Roberts is so fast that he can run around the earth and kick himself in the ass.

Gary Roberts could never have a heart attack. His heart is too smart to try and attack him.

yinzer4life said...

Gary Roberts invented the hamburger by throwing a cow at a chain link fence.

Gary Roberts is so fast he can run around the earth and kick himself in the ass.

Gary Roberts can never have a heart attack. His heart is too smart to try and attack him.

Anonymous said...

Shortly after his birth, Gary Roberts circumsized himself...

...with a hockey stick!

Andrew said...

Here's a few,

The force of the big bang is equal to 1GRFIYF (1 Gary Roberts fist in your face).

God didn't invent life. Gary Roberts invented god.

Gary Roberts communicates with other planets by hitting pucks at them.

If the Penguins win the stanley cup, the NHL will not let Gary Roberts touch it, because it will melt in his hand

George W. Bush isn't the president of our country. Gary Roberts is the president of George W. Bush.

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